Stigmatized pre-trips experience...

Have been "bothering" me for the past few overseas trips.

Wondering why, but somehow it just happened.

Langkawi trip in Jul 09.

Had diarrhoea 2 days before the trip.

Europe trip in Sep 09.

I had piles!

Was so worried I couldn't withstand the long flights

and train journeys...

But by God's grace, thankfully it was healed just before the day I flew.

Then...I came back with corn on my toe.

I'm still nursing it up till today.

Still hasn't fully healed.

What a pain in the ass...no...in the toe.

Asian Youth Day Nov 09.

I fell sick two days before that also.

And suffering from lack of sleep.

Then luckily, I got slightly better the day before

and was more or less ok on the day of departure.

What is the message?

What are all these "coincidences" about?

Sufferings to bear before I can be duly rewarded.

Chinese saying of "bitter first then sweetness"?

I guess I learnt to be more grateful and

appreciative of the trip and to God.

New colour, new look.

Hired contractor to come and paint our house.

It's been more than 8 or 10 years since we last painted I think.

Now our living room looks more white.

A bit too clean a colour for me.

Guessed it'll take a while for me to get use.

My room too!

I selected "Smoky" (light grey) and

it turned out to be pretty much white based..

with a slight tinge of grey only.

Should have been more bold to select a stronger colour.

But my room does look slightly bigger now.

My sis's room turned out to be the best.

2 shades of pink.

The 3 Malay workers from Johore were very happy-go-lucky.

Though they can only speak Malay and simple English,

it wasn't too tough for me (simple English)

and my mum (simple Malay).

But an unfortunate incident happened to one of the workers.

His father passed away in Johore this morning.

It's really not easy for him.

We bid him farewell before lunch as he rushed home.

Will pray for his dad's soul.

And while being "locked out" this two days,

I had a fair share of watching drama on DVD, youtube

and ploughing through fb, chatting with NFFs at AYD.

Quite a idle way to spent my time.

Guess it's a relief from the hectic weekend I just had.

Looking forward to a more fruitful and productive days ahead.

Back from Asian Youth Day

too many things to blog

so many things going on

Suffering from AYD-hangover

but not much time to recover

Hurriedly set back into the pace of life here

Meeting deadlines

Meeting demands at home

Ah...yes...brought back "love" from AYD

To live the Eucharist

It's been really tough

especially when i'm down with flu

But am trying hard

To lead a New Life.

A very expired posting....my Europe trip "10 things".

did these few weeks back and wrote in my journal...

but procrastinated till now to post it up.

October flew past just like that and

November is right at our doorstep.

Wish i could do more and yet

Hope that I could have done less.

Heck! Just move on.

10 things I liked about the trip:

1. Allowed me to complete the Book of Genesis & embarked on Exodus.

2. The yummy breakfast & freshly baked bread and pretzels. (in Germany esp!)

3. The emotional moment I had @ Infant Jesus Prague Church during Mass.

4. Able to relinquish some romantic moments with the gorgeous, disturbing her and smacking her a**.

5. Able to open up new doors to our relationship.

6. Villach to Salzburg train ride. The Alps! *drools*

7. Fantastic hosting by Markus & a fabulous dinner at his parents' place.

8. Organ concert in Prague & seafood dinner in Venice.

9. Completing a sketch of Florence...my fav city.

10. Being inspired & moved by the life of the saints while visiting their basilicas and crypt.

10.1 Austrian Trains! World best transport.

10.2 Angels in disguise that came to our "rescue" in Prague and Berlin...giving us directions.

10 things I disliked about the trip:

1. Disagreements in decisions & choices.

2. Vienna! Utter disappointment.

3. Hordes of tourists...esp those with trademark flags & umbrellas. Run away from them!

4. Inconsiderate dorm-mate in Florence and a snoring orchestra in Vienna.

5. Falling sick in Vienna.

6. Cigarette smoke! (smoking is allowed in restaurants)

7. Forgetting to pack my two 250ml packets of Italian red wine into my check-in luggage. End result: dustbin.

8. Queuing up/snatching shared bathroom at hostel.

9. No blanket @ hostel happy days.

10. Unreasonable entrance fees to certain attractions and churches.

You Know Better than I

Genesis 37 to 45.

Story of Joseph, his dreams and his brothers

the first story in the book of genesis that made me tear from the heart

And watching it reproduced by Dreamworks on DVD

Made those characters come alive

And this great song teaches me a lot about our life

Our Christian way of life

And I love this scene when the song is sung

With joseph trying to revive a dying tree

And eventually it grew and bloomed.

Enjoy the song and lyrics.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oL6HlzQZLo&feature=related

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

Chorus 1:
You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing
I don't know is part of getting through
I tried to do what's best
But faith has made it easy
To see the best thing i can do
Is to put my trust in You.

Chorus 2
For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

Coda:
I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who taught that bird to fly
If i let You reach me
Will You teach me.
(Repeat Chorus )

For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I

Weddings....

Back in Melaka over the weekend.

My prettiest cousin was getting married.

Some random thoughts that came thru my mind

while i was stoning and waiting

for the banquet to start.

1 hour

average waiting time for a banquet to start

About 25 tables on average

10 people per table

250 people in total

250hrs

10days of time spent in total

to wait for a banquet to start!

Food...

one table one fish

And tt's 250 fishes.

And probably 250 chicken.

And 10%-20% of that will be wasted.

...

thoughts in progress...

25 days of backpacking

different parts of Central Europe

quick a lot to take in

back to the swing of action now

the life of a Singaporean

on the island of modernising Singapore

In the comfort of our homeland

Safe among the rest of the

disaster-stricken Asian region

One whole chain of earthquakes, typhoons and tsunamis

What is His message to us?

my heart goes out to them....

twice within a week i think,

I have 2 groups of school kids

smoking at the staircase landing

in my HDB flat...

I usually take the stairs all the way down

from my 8th floor flat.

It's about 2pm++.

Just after school.

1st group is Malay boys,

2nd group is Chinese with a girl,

the main smoker.

There isn't much feelings of detest

as i hated smoke from cigarettes.

I only felt sorry for them.

I prayed for them.

For the Lord to deliver them one day.

Teens nowadays are so troubled.

By demands of societies,

and hence pressures from parents.

Temptations of media

spinning them round and round

in a confusing and crazy world.

Recent adverts on papers and TV also

annoys me a bit.

Slimming programmes, beauty reality TV shows,

with taglines, "Beauty is Everything".

"I want to Slim Down."

Everything is about looking good and perfect.

I do admit i'm very concerned with my outlook.

But the way the advert and publicity

are really too much and giving the wrong idea.

How can you say "Beauty is Everything"...

in Chinese, it's even more grotesque..

"美就是一切"

I would prefer "Love is Everything".

To be precise, Christ's Love.

Not the secular "love" that most pple perceive as.

just some random thoughts

Daddy made a big fuss over his claims for his injury at work

Mum felt utterly frustrated over his never ceasing grumbles

So were my sister and myself

Dad just can't seemed to see beyond this accident

that it's was a blessing from God and a lesson too.

His heart is "too small", cannot let go...as what Mum said.

He's greedy and not easily contented.

Always saying "what if", "if only".

As a poor graduate, I've lost $900 over a flight cancellation.

And just a few years back, I damaged my sis's car and also

forked out about $1000. I guess these were the

two major monetary losses I've incurred.

It was painful and without Christ and the Spirit working in me,

I wouldn't have healed so quickly.

And to see beyond all these losses...

that I'm able to drive ever so safely and more focused,

that I'm able to take failures and loss more bravely.

Now following this Korean drama online

Talks about two extreme ends of lifestyle

One is the struggling working class

the other is the top echelons...

all struggling to either climb up or to stay up there.

Can understand how is it like that

every dollars and cents make a difference to my life

Though i'm not born with a silver spoon

I'm blessed to be able to do a lot of things

throughout my 26years...

graces from God...

sometimes i almost emptied my savings

just to fulfill some travelling plans

and of course some careless overspending at shopping...

I still survive.

I'm not sure if i'm wrong.

To try to lead a life that's beyond my capability...

that i'm a overspending and not having a healthy savings record.

Many people cast doubting eyes at me

when they hear that i'm taking a break..

a break that might last a year...

before I go and land myself in a full-time job

for a Masters graduate.

I judge and think that they must be wondering

why am I so slack when everyone is trying to make a living?

Closed ones might wonder why am i not eager to work

and quickly share the responsibility to take care of my family...

my dad and mum...and also give them allowance.

The unspoken pressure is there...

And walking in the opposite direction of the norm

to defy what society has made us..to be economic machines...

Is really not easy.

In name I'm taking a break,

and I'm really resting...

enjoying the work i'm doing in church..

but i'm also wary of the time lag...

that i might lose the competitiveness and

"freshness" of my skills...

Am i just thinking too much,

over-worrying...

yes indeed perhaps...

Well, since i've discerned to do this

and I've prayed about it.

I shall just go on walking this path with faith.

A different kind of cross to bear..

though i'm glad the academic cross is out of the way for now.

back from short getaway & back to full throttle

Had a really really good 4D break...

Did lotsa things

exciting, scenic, romantic, childish, yummy...

But also had ample time to nua and chill

Had the most glorious tan (90% of the body)

since dunno when...

Almost couldn't board the flight to Langkawi

My first such ever heart-stopping moment

But truly, we're just humans who shldn't

think everything is in his control.

It is only in Him and through Him,

that things are made possible.

The trip opened my eyes and heart to a couple of things

Help me experience new things

happy, sad, frustrations etc..

A culmination of many...

Came back and do feel a tad recharged

Did more work back in Youth ministry

Prepared dinner on one of the weekdays

As a little belated present for my mum.

Korean Kimchidang

- Oven roasted garlic salmon

- Calamari

- Stir fried broccoli with beef slices

Random happenings....

smthg tt amused me...

(IKEA storage box)

Yummy cold crab at an obscure Zi Char

stall along Old Airport Rd

IKEA @ Tampines...i love this space

IKEA @ Tampines...wowow..=D

the 3rd car accident I saw within a month.

Luckily this one is not fatal.

cupboard fixing 1.1 - side table

cupboard fixing 1.2 - side table

cupboard fixing 1.3 - side table

cupboard fixing 2 - Cabinet

after a whole day's ordeal...

spent and exhausted...

oh yes...check out the stack of my thesis models!

really dunno what to do with them...lol

just feel like....

resting in the spirit...

watching an impending storm arriving...

like a scene in apocalypse?

Pioneer MRT Station.

like the feel.

Leftovers after I cleared out 2 small 20-yrs-old

cupboards and one 10yrs old wardrobe that stored

tons of memories, archives and things to be recycled/donated.

"Memory T-shirts"

Surreal...

Yea...my frens shld be lining up to go up to the stage

for that brief moment

to receive a scroll

after 5 years of hard work

And here I am

in my home clothes

sitting in front of my laptop

facebooking

and gg to watch some taiwan drama on youtube

Sarah must be grumbling that I din go down and

take photos with them...

well, many will say "Nah, it's just a ceremony."

But I guess the way we're brought up in S'pore,

everything is about ceremony, being ceremonial

Being honoured and credited on stage

and doning the ceremonial gown

means a lot to many, and esp my parents.

And perhaps deep down inside, it meant a lot to me too.

Having led a meritorious secondary and JC school days,

stage "appearances" and ceremonies were norms for me.

And after this 5 years of Uni, and thesis.

I'm really tired.

Tired of this race and competition.

And praise God for pulling me out from this

And I pray that I'll continue to listen to You

and trust in Your ways.

For I know and believe that

You have the best of interests for me

I might be struggling financially w/o a full-time job

but i can live contently

live within my needs and not my excessive wants

I might be slowly losing my drive as an achiever (in society)

but i could be moulded into something better

that He could use me

I might be waking up w/o an alarm clock

taking breakfast and reading papers for 1-hr

and having no fixed schedules for the week

and sometimes staying up late to youtube

But I just pray that I'll be doing meaningful

things in the midst of these

Having time to work on music compositions

and to spend more time on parish/youth work.

Am only into the 1st month of my break...

and I only hope and pray it'll get better

To really get the break I need

To recharge and renew myself

To broaden my horizon

See and learn more things

Reach out

and to build a strong connection with God.

Hearts on Fire Youth Rally, 11th Jul 09 @ CJC

reality check....

managed to drag myself outta bed

on a Tues morning.

Walked to the "nearby" Jurong West Stadium

Gg to attempt 2.4km after so long...

thought to myself...

well i've been swimming and i ran the Half Mara

wat's 2.4km?

But when i've to run 2.4km under 12+ mins to pass IPPT

it's a no joke.

And I was shocked...

that I clocked 10mins after running 1.6km (4rounds)...

and I gave up...

Was huffing and puffing and chest was tight...

Really felt defeated and appalled!...

Luckily i found this out early...

then i can start training and preparing well

before i sign up for a IPPT Test slot.

Ego shattering moments but yet humbling.

Shall begin some circuit training and do "sprints"....

On a side note,

T3 Bible Studies has been great so far.

For the first time in my life,

I was really captivated by the happenings

in the Old Testament.

Was spending some nights reading up on Samuel

through to the Kings...really like them

and can totally imagine what it would be like in a movie.

Now, i'm really slowly and truly and finally falling in love

with the Word of God...

not just loving random inspirational quotes and passages...

but the whole salvation story in its entirety.

Simply amazing.

My eyes has certainly opened to greater things...

And learn to look beyond the what-it-seems.

a "me" day out...

chilling out..and quite literally chilling out at The Deck

one of the very rare rainy days

but still able to look out and look at the grey sea...

it's been just a week since my submission + presentation

and it felt like it's been a month...

so many things happened right after 15 June...

meeting up with friends, groups of friends,

helping sis get her laptop, running around...

was reading Paul Coelho's Witch of Portabello

and Athena said that it is the pause in music that creates rhythms

and the pause and spaces in writing that make sentences make sense.

So here I am now, trying to create this pause and space in my life,

to make some sense of it after all.

shall just focus on my thesis reflection for this post.

it all began in Sep 2008.

And it lasted till 4th May 2009.

Just when I thought all was over and I'm all ready for the Europe trip,

my thesis was extended another 6wks,

till 15 June 2009.

6 wks, as compared to what my fren has described to me,

in Germany and other countries,

people can do their Masters and extend for a couple of months,

or even a year.

This 6 wks is really nothing.

But it's definitely worthed more than anything i've gained so far.

Friendship and friends that I've always show not much concern,

or don't really know and appreciate how important it is.

And i'm truly blessed for this group of friends,

for their relentless help.

I'm on my way to writing a song

To dedicate it to them

And to let me not forget those treasured moments.

God wants me to be special

although people sees this as imperfection

for not being able to commence on the year I graduate

And then my fren said there're no commencement at all in Germany.

God wants the best for me

And can't bear to see me graduate with a half-hearted and substandard thesis

I seize this second chance

With the help of friends and tutors

I pushed myself to the limit

which I did not do so previously

I was guilty of not doing my best

for my heart was not there

And i just wanted to pass and graduate

and for my grad trip.

God wants me to wait

and continue to learn patience

and draw precious life lesson from this episode

that I can't always be a planning freak

expecting things to happen the way I want to

expecting people to behave the way I wish to

God wants me to humble myself

To call upon His name and draw strength

And to know that He is God, not me, Myself.

To lay down my pride and just learn to ask

And help will just gush in like water from a broken dam

God (probably) wants me to "pause".

For I did not join the rest in the rat race

of getting employed...

For I've discerned early this year to work part-time for the church

till early next year, then probably i'll be well rested and ready

to take on the next major phase of my life.

Work and career.

The thesis journey was sure agonizing

we probably need some kind of support group

to counsel and share problems among friends

And we did kind of unofficially did that.

I'm glad to be able to just sit and listen to friends

pour out their woes, and some even shed tears.

And i'm glad to have friends to listen to my woes too.

Grateful to have my other half being understanding

and not demanding too much attention and time for her.

Besides having stretched my design thinking and language

developed better critical thinking

and all else academic

I've suffered and yet gained a lot emotionally, spiritually

and physically.

This Masters Thesis is a culmination of rich experiences

and memories. Life-changing if I must say.

Not the sudden change, but a gradual subtle change

in my perspectives of life, behaviour and threshold for acceptance.

it's officially over...

6 weeks of initial agony, heartache and despair

that eventually turned into joy, gratefulness and blessings.

Many words to say

Many people to thank

And that one Person to give praise to.

Now still suffering from a bit of thesis hangover...

enjoyed not having something constantly haunting my mind...

enjoyed waking up not to the sound of my alarm clock for the past 2 days

Now my calendar starts to fill up day by day

with meet-ups and misc stuff...

not gg to pack my schedule....and plan like a freak...

just gonna enjoy each day as it comes...

Will take another few days before I post a proper reflection...

awesome friends who slogged for me over the one week.

and the PRODUCT!

one more add-on to the "gain" list

I wouldn't have written my 1st song if not for this tough period.
Thank God for the gift.
My first, "Almost". =)

short-term...

One thesis
One major upset to a grand plan
One great episode of my life
To cry or to smile

Never ceasing support and words of encouragement
given by friends (close and not close), tutors, acquaintance
and of course by Him, for He sent them to me
though often I felt so far away from Him
And questioning what have i done to deserve this?

Certainly, there're reasons and I thought it's gonna take like
donkey years before I appreciate what He's done to me.
Shall draw up a list and compare the gains and the loss...
and see for myself how much has been revealed to me in less than a month..

Gains:
- we would have been sweating and jostling in Europe duirng the hot travel peak season
- Now that September seems like a better time to visit Europe...best arrgt from Him to us?...lol
- I can plan an affordable short getaway right after submission...to Bali...
- Can catch St Paul the musical
- Able to be around to be with Fr Michal before he leaves for Aus...i wld have totally missed seeing him the last time when I'm supposed to come back on the 2nd Jul only...and I'll be devastated i guess.
- That Moli can be ard to see thru the tough time at her home....maid...and moving house...maybe i can help to move also...
- Eat rice dumplings!...
- managed to "fight" our way through and now given consent to travel as a couple...so long as we sleep in mixed dorm...or dun share room...lol
- Able to develop my thesis to its full potential...
- Just being around in singapore....coz it seemed like so many things are happening within a few wks...like my dad just fractured his wrist...in cast...take 2 months to recover...haiz.
- stronger faith, stronger love and greater trust for Him and between me and gorgeous...
- Able to attend T3 bible study with BLYM....
- hmm...now it seems like not going overseas is the best....hopefully Sep will be "quiet" back at home...

Loss:
- Monetary loss from cancellation of trip and not able to travel with Nik and Ray.
- Unable to visit Bad Iburg and Conny...
- Might have missed mooncake festival...in Sep
- Not able to Commence with my frens tis July...well...but i still have frens in the next batch...
- and many other nitty gritty petty things i guess....

So I guess it's obvious...
have I gained or lost?...

need to focus, stop procrastination, seek an answer...

There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
(although there are many reason for me not to also)
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe
(or rather am trying to keep that faith)

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see
(patience!!...and keeping my eyes and mind open
to receive that pleasant surprise...hopefully pleasant...lol)

*words not in (  ) extracted from
"Everything in its time" by Corrinne May

Moving on...

The worst has come
And now it's just to move on
Things will only get better
Believing and discerning His voice

Words just not enough to express
But only can say, "Life still goes on."
Some said the battle is not lost
And there's a reason for all these to happen

Still, I had a wonderful birthday.
Initially thought it will be quite "different"
since so many things had happened.
Thankful for the endless bday wishes i've received.
I think it's one of the most in my 26yrs.
Grateful for having friends that will travel all
the way down to ulu west to give me a surprise
at the doorstep, holding a cake and a bag full of presents.
And blessed to have a German fren,
so generous, understanding and fun-loving.
Heartened to have a gf who's willing to walk thru
this difficult time with me,
and who ate to her heart's content at a buffet spread.
Haha.

I often told myself these few days
My predicament is not as bad as I thought
I'm still very much loved, cared and blessed.
Throughout my 20years of education,
it has been rather smooth compared to many.
Now i'm just even this one small episode and
it should not bring me down.

I'm still on my way
Continuing to learn to walk with Him
day by day.

Preparing for the worse...i guess pretty prepared now...

Tmr is the day
Probably the day that will leave a deep mark in my life.
Be it good or bad outcome.
It's the turning point.
Or a huge checkpoint.
A time for me to learn, to appreciate,
and not take things for granted.

Sat's homily at Novena,
Fr said that if God gives us too much,
we might drift away from Him.
While watching drama on TV,
this heroine said, sometimes you planned so much
and so well but things might not turn out the way you want it.
And at Mass today,
Fr AJ said that nothing that he has accomplished thus far
was by his own efforts but is purely God's grace and gift.

Over these two days, friends encouraged me,
Moli gave me assurance and support,
and God has spoken to me many times
to tell me that he has not abandoned me.
Haha...to top it off...
i went for a jog just now in NTU,
weather was gorgeous and wanted to sweat it out
and purge out all my negative ions
that's building up in my body.
And i bumped into Fr Michal.
It's almost like God sending an angel to me..lol
Well, he was too fast...couldn't catch up with Him.
And within 10mins, he was out of sight.
And i was all alone again, making my way through the
cooling, shady and peaceful NTU campus.

Conversations in my mind did not subside
It just kept going on and on and on...
A battle of the voice of Satan and the voice of Truth

I might falter and hit a really bumpy road,
at a time when my bday is just one day away.
But i pray for strength, that i'll be able to pick myself up
and carry on.
That i may have the strength to face my family and friends.
And to face up to the situation.

What if it turns out well?
May i not take it for granted and really be grateful for His grace.
It's a test that for probably the first time
I've really feared
And at the same time hoping that I could go through it courageously.

thesis expenditure

spent a whooping $250.51 for my thesis...
not too bad...
hope it's a worthwhile spent
hoping for a not too bad crit session tmr...
lifting it up to You LORD! =D

"Mad World"

really like this song performed by Adam Lambert,
American Idol Top 8.
He really brought out the meaning of the song very well.

"Mad World"

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

Enjoy listening at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hik9OpRDN50&feature=related

blank, constipated, malfunctioned.

I thought it's gonna get easier
But it just got unimaginably harder
Questions that I don't know how to answer
And probably my brain capacity has reached my limit

tsuto also said it's tough, it's difficult.
Asked me to go and think and he'll help me think also.
But i'm really clueless.

Took a walk around the campus.
Walked from engin block to YIH.
Transferred money to Shareen.
Along the way, saw groups gathering to discuss projects
people playing guitar in rooms and in the outdoor
overheard a christian group singing
"Great is thy faithfulness".
Everything is still going on normally.
The earth is still round.
But i'm feeling that my world has turned upside down.
Wanted to look for a place to sit down and think.
But just carried on walking. Walked back to Engin
via the Raffles Hall way.
Went back to SDE and saw the sun setting.
Took a lift up to the highest viewing point in Engin block.
Greatly rewarded with a beautiful sunset.
took my mind off for a while and
just enjoyed the extraordinarily simple beauty.

Tried praying for peace and calming my mind.
Well, i'm not exactly flustered.
I'm just blank. Don't know how to think.
Back in studio now typing this.
Wondering how I should proceed on from here.
Had lunch at 5pm.
But my pants are still very loose even if belt
Wondered how many inches have i shed.
Will go home in a while and hopefully will clear my mind
in the still of the night.
On my bed.
And feeling Him closer at my side.
bah.

It's April!!....

6 days late...wanted to post something on April Fools' Day.
Wow.
Wow wow wow.
It's less than a month to my thesis submission.
Exciting and unnerving.
Uncertain of the outcome still.
But feeling much better and lighter now
as my design is progressing.
Really thank Him for that.
This "passion" journey is coming to an end,
it's seems like the time when i broke into cold sweat
and trembling in fear while praying is over.
the scourging, the rejection, the piercing of thorns...
all seemed to be over.
All i seemed to be experiencing recently and probably
in the next few weeks,
is perserverance.
To finish walking this journey to my "Calvary"
With people lending a support on my way there,
cheering me on.
Although i will still bound to fall once in a while
in the next 3 weeks.
I shall pick myself up readily.
Whatever the outcome, may i trust in Him
although while i'm writing,
i'm already filled with doubt.
Wondering if I can take it should my thesis not make the mark.
Surrendering.
Submission.
Offering everyday up.
Living everyday as if it is the last.
Putting my best put forward.
Stay focus.
Resist from facebooking and getting distracted.
Keep a regular healthy pace for my submission.
Breathe and take stock of life.
To not lose sight of what's truly important
and to not be tempted and fall into the hands of Satan.
St Michael the Archangel, please protect me.
And also hoping and praying for my fellow archi frens,
to keep their spirits up and jia you!

Had a great weekend i must say.
But feeling guilty at the end of it for not being
productive at my thesis work.
well, worry and regrets is of no use.
I'll just make it up by working harder and more efficiently
over the week.
Yes! Woots...almost 1am.
Gotta sleep and get to sch early tmr!
A brand new exciting week awaits.
Holy week.
Easter vigil @ Risen Christ. =D

Emo posting on an emo day

(written this @ Vivo city waterfront deck
before meeting my Sec exco prefects for dinner...
a pleasant writing time though...)

It's nearing the end
but I can't see the end, yet.
Not sure if I can get there, gracefully.
Still finding my way perhaps.

Been through many ups & downs
I've come so far to where I am now
I should never give up
For i know I will finish this race.

I want to taste the sweetness of success
But the journey to the end are just so hard
to carry on at times

I want to scream and shout
To burst into tears & let my emotions flow.
I want to run to you
And be comforted by your warm embrace.

Your little gestures of console
I'm so deeply grateful for
The sheltering moments from friends
Lending me support when I'm withering
and turning into a raisin, juiced.

Wonderful Counsellor, Beautiful Saviour
Why can't I just get it?
Do I have to go through all these agony?

I feel like walking away
Throw my hands up in the air and say,
"It's enough."

You know me and you search me
And you give me what is best for me.
It's so difficult to submit fully to your will.
Oh God, strengthen me and help me to trust.

Renew me
Recharge me
Make me whole and spur me on.

Perhaps I should bravely take up the cross.
No matter how hard people is gonna strike me down.
It's just means to make me stronger and
To improve on my "ways" (thesis).

I'm on my way
And I'll strive on.
Positively and Joyfully.

the "buay-tahans"....

Cannot stand pple not keeping to the left on escalators
Always stare at their backs damn hard.
Almost wish i can stare until they vanish into thin air.
Same applies to 2 person walking down a lane
Forming a fortress and not allowing anyone to breach it.

Cannot stand pple not moving to the rear on the bus
Once, an uncle exclaimed in hokkien,
"Are there ghosts at the back?!"
hah, crude and rude but he makes sense

Cannot stand pple rushing into the train to grab a seat
only to alight a couple of stops later

Cannot stand screaming kids and act-blur parents
Cannot stand loud conversations on bus
Cannot stand teens thinking that they're bigger than the whole world
Cannot stand smokers standing 1metre away from bus-stop
and the smoke get blown into my face by the wind
Cannot stand drivers who don't signal
their license should be revoked.

dunno why i'm so full of angst inside me
when i'm in the public nowadays...
is it just me? or is really pple's attitude getting worse?
More self-centered. hai.
Public graciousness?

fb: "What's on your mind?"

cluttered mind | tired body
fluttering thoughts | disturbed soul
controlled mind | ordered life
stifling world | suppressed self

peaceful mind | christ's body
inquisitive mind | me at work
wandering mind | distracted self
mindless mind | finding myself

judgmental mind | justified self
prayerful mind | cleansing ritual
submissive mind | learning to trust
creative mind | desperately needing it

it's March...marching twds the ending point...which i don't know how it's gg to be like...

going back to school almost everyday and staying back late
can be quite tiring....but it's my last chance to reminisce
my architecture life in school.
Can't imagine how i did it last time in yr 1 and yr 2.
Everyone is agonizing over their design
day in day out...
And many a times i just choose to work and agonize
somewhere else...away from the stress-filled studio.
I like to work "outdoors" where I can hear the traffic goes by,
have eye contact with trees, the sky, and under natural light.
It's Sat and i'm back in school.
Going to get my dinner at Subway soon.
Have to get the 6grams of fat sandwiches...
as part of my treatment process for having high cholesterol
when I weigh 56kg standing at 168cm. bah.

Havnt been taking pictures...coz I'm still saving up
to get a set of rechargeable battery for my finepix s8100fd..><

Ay, this "Blur Building" by Diller and Scofido (Architects)
is pretty cool. =)

finding comfort and strength...

For Jesus said, "...but anyone who loses his life for my sake, that man will save it."
It spoke to me.
I shldn't be too worried about committing too much in church.
Coz I shld be assured that God will not forsake me in my work...esp my thesis...
and I can gradually feel the outstretched hand...
if only I respond...and stop slacking and stay focus! :-D
Yes!...I will survive and not "lose my life".

a nice song that relates to single mothers

"Stranger in me"
from It's my Life musical
lyrics by Lim Yu-Beng
music by Corrinne May

I think about you and me
a part of me cries out
How could I be so near and yet so far
Instead of looking at you
I only saw my guilt
And that was all so far to where you are

Wherever love has come from
It was once upon a time
And who knew fairy tales were truly grim
Whatever came before you
It's really more a case of me and him
Whatever came before you
You're not to blame for any single thing

* I don't want to live love
In the shadow of history
Your future's not history
It's ours in the here and the now
Nine months in my womb
Doesn't make you a stranger
I'd carry the weight again
Facing the danger right now
But would I know, how.

I don't know what is coming
And I'm not much of a guide
I've never been so low as in those days
And with the millstone round my neck
With every tear I cried
Was woe to him who leads us all astray

It's so unfair how one mistake
Can make the deepest stain
And dirty water clouds the stream below
I'm never gonna make you pay
For what you could have never ever owe
I'm never gonna make you pay
The debt is mine and you should never know

(*)

Do I dare to love again, or is the curse right from the start
Do I dare to burn my hopes and dreams from the gamuts of my heart
You're not a stranger to me
I'll make sure of that
Whatever the danger to me

Make it pure, once more
Make it shine, make you mine.
Love doesn't give answers
But question are always for free.