Monday, May 5, 2014

30 + 1

(brain cells are depleting after churning out the dissertation but shall press on and do this!)

Many long overdue posts and reflections that I owed myself and others. Shall try to accomplish all on this special day of mine - celebration of my 31 years of life on this earth. 

2013 The Christmas Experience
It was one of the busiest Advent perhaps due to the busy preparations of wedding, house renovations and of course, none other than work. There was no advent reflection, no spiritual preparation, no advent resolution. It was just dryness and everyday was just going through the motion and routine. Deep inside, I felt the longing, the waiting. I sensed certain emptiness maybe partly due to a lot of giving with little or minimal receiving. 

My choir was slated to sing for the Christmas Midnight Mass at our parish. As per previous years, we sang the good old familiar christmas hymns where the SATB parts were more or less ingrained in my head. And so I waited and waited, like the shepherds in the wilderness. So much noise around us (even as I write now, some inconsiderate people at the cafe just can't care less of the noise they generate). Hai. 

And so it was Christmas Midnight Mass, it was time Holy Communion. The choir began to sing the Child of the Poor / What Child is This. "...Who is this who lives with the lowly, sharing their sorrow, knowing their hunger. This is Christ revealed in the eyes of a child, a child of the poor." I started trembling in the verge of tears as I sang this. Instantly, He filled me and I became the child wrapped in the chill of mid-winter. Christ chose to be born this way to me in the Eucharist after an agonizing quiet wait. The last I recalled a similar intense experience was in the Infant Jesus Church in Prague when I literally queued up to receive in Holy Communion, trembling in tears. 

Indeed, when we often feel like we are suffering alone, Christ is suffering alongside with us silently. We often just focus on our own pains and struggles, striking our breasts and failing to lift our heads up to see Christ or to stop and lie in His bosoms to let Him say to us how much He loves us. Although I must say, sometimes he does profess His love for me in a rather unexpected and dramatic way!

But truly, thank You for that gift and reminder. It was a lovely Christmas present. 

2014 - Lent - Easter
Shortly after the rejuvenating experience at Christmas, I was thrown back into the furnace of life. Work, more intense wedding preparation and house renovation, though the latter two can be quite exciting and fun, but nevertheless draining. In the blink of an eye, the Big Day for Moli and me arrived and that fateful day on 1 March 2014 just zoomed past like a dream. Thankfully with technological advancement, we have beautiful video recordings and photos that allowed us to recall, reminisce and appreciate the very important day of our lives. More of the wedding reflection to be touched on later. 

Lent was spent trying to recuperate from the wedding and adjusting to a new stage of life, in a new home and family. House work & cooking our own meals became our new found responsibilities. We really began to appreciate our mums so much more. Lent reminds us (me) to pick up our crosses and follow Him. It calls for conversion of heart and returning to Him. Many a times, crosses were "assigned" or given as "gifts" to us as much as those unnecessary / undesirable crosses which we choose to pick up and load up on our backs. Imagine the pain we have to go through being nailed to the many crosses at different times. 

Easter came and it was a pleasant experience attending the Easter Vigil mass as husband and wife for the first time at the newly renovated St Joseph's Church, appreciating their beautiful organ sound and attending with 2 good friends. Easter joy was not experienced explicitly but more of a quiet appreciation and thanksgiving. To be joyful is a verb and it comes along with action to truly experience joy. The article in Word Among Us about St Francis of Assisi reiterated the mission of my new stage of life. 

"Forget yourself. Keep giving.
Set aside the idolatry of self-absorption.
Pain and suffering will come, 
but it is the suffering of taking up your cross as Christ did...
We open ourselves to both joy and suffering 
when we give of ourselves out of love to another."



The Vows
Was glad that both of us decided to spend 3 days 2 nights at Jln Merbok Canossian Retreat Centre to rest, reflect and share at the beginning of the year before we got too swamped. We reflected and shared on the meaning of the vows. It was pretty....daunting! Hahah.  In summary, it basically calls for us to "give", to give of ourselves to each other just like how Christ give himself to us and the Church. And it is not about giving when we feel like it, we were supposed to vow to give in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, and for the rest of our lives till we meet God in heaven! 

It was also a blessing that I managed to catch up the readings in the book, "The Meaning of Marriage" that Moli gave me, which reinforces the meaning of the vow and the Sacrament. Some excerpts of it became my wedding speech. Hehe. Just want to archive it here and share with friends.  

"...through marriage, the mystery of the gospel is unveiled...the gospel is both pain & wonderful."
..Marriage...is a major vehicle of the gospel's remaking of your heart 
from the inside out & your life from the ground up." (I'm already slowly starting to feel it...)

"actions of love...we are commanded to love; not feel. Love even when you don't feel like it."

It's only the beginning of another phase of life. We are still learning, still figuring out, still learning the art of giving and receiving. A priest once said in his homily, in a marriage, you cannot practise the 50-50 principle but the 10 (take) - 90 (give) principle of giving and compromising. In retrospection, we also cannot demand a balance of the 10-90 where one expects to doing the 10-90 principle for 50% of the time and the other 50% of the time the other party has to do the 10-90. I would like to think that when both parties practice the 10-90 principle all the time, by God's "natural law" and the "law of spiritual equilibrium", a balance will be achieved and neither party will feel any lacking. True or not har? =)   

So what I try to tell myself daily, give first. "Talk and feel" later. 



On turning 31...
let's see how it was like the day before I turned 31:-
Spent the whole day and stayed till late in the night to finish the case study dissertation for my professional license exam submission. How does that sound? LOL

Flipped opened my spiritual journal and this is what I was called to do,
"It is good to give thanks to the Lord, And to sing praises to Your name, O Most High;
To declare Your loving kindness in the morning,
And Your faithfulness every night." - Psalm 92

Work life balance does not seemed to get any better
But still I give thanks for having a decently paid job 
and what more can I ask to accomplish building a church for God by 2016?

Marriage requires a lot of hard work (& heart-aches...haha)
I give thanks for this vocation that I've chosen and He has blessed me with
Thank you for the little joys of life and the chance to share this joy with my other half

Metabolism rate is slowing down. 
Tummy fats are growing!
I give thanks for that coz I think God answered my prayers! LOL!!
For I've lamented for the longest time that I have trouble growing fat!
A good spur to discipline myself to exercise more diligently! =D

For the gift of friends, 
I give thanks for friends who have stood by me, prayed, struggled and journeyed with me.
You know who you are. 

(oh men, starting to sound like a thank you speech at Star Awards)

For the gift of families and kinship,
I give thanks to that. Moli and me were really showered with much love and sponsorship that contributed to the making of a beautiful home. Can't wait to really spend time to do up the flat and my dream garden! 

For the gift of faith,
thank You. 

- your beloved