why is it so hard?...

Dear Jesus,

I'm so frustrated and disheartened...

I just want to quickly let if off somewhere and thought of writing here...

it's been almost a week since i write to you on my diary.

Just when I thought my lenten resolution has been going well so far,

at least up till this evening.

Been able to reach work earlier and do a short devotion before the start of the hustle & bustle.

Enjoyed praying for friends on the intention list I have.

As I prayed those intentions, it helps remind me of what I need to do as well.

Patience...alongside with love.

Very challenging.

And the snapping point just came this evening so sudden,

that I couldn't handle it in time.

And I fell.

Quick and hard.

Swallowed up by angst and resentment.

Mind and soul in turmoil and un-peace.

Came back and straight away head out to run,

in order to stick to my training plan to pass IPPT.

Managed to clear my head a bit while running.

But doesn't seemed to solve everything.

I felt defeated and I just gave in to temptations.

Tried so hard to image Christ and draw close to Him,

and one slip, I lose grip of His hands again.

I know I will and should pick myself up again,

and by His grace, I'll move on and overcome another hurdle that awaits me again...

I know I'll hit another wall again, or trip.

The holier I want to be, the more the evil will want to deal with me.

St Michael, my patron saint, please give me a stronger armour.

And yes, why am i so frustrated?

I just feel injustice when someone is making things difficult for other people,

trying to solve problems or make things perfect at the expense of other people's welfare.

I feel the agony and suffering of slaves in Egypt 2000 years ago.

It's totally not a good feeling to be slave-driven.

And I feel sad for the person who is also slave-driving himself.

We work hard to the best of our ability, but not over-work and compromise your family life, your health and others' life too.

I can't reconcile with all these.

Jesus, please guide me in my thoughts and enlighten me.

thank you for hearing me out.

I love you and I miss you.

Yearning for your comforting touch and embrace once again.

Yours,

Mike.

thought of the night...

shortcoming is dissimilar to bad habit...

"In my imagination"...

"In my imagination I see a just world,
Everyone lives in peace and in honesty there.
I dream of souls that are always free,
Like the clouds that fly,
Full of humanity in the depths of the soul.

In my imagination I see a bright world,
Even the night is less dark there.
I dream of souls that are always free,
Like clouds that fly.

In my imagination there exists a warm wind,
That breathes on the cities, like a friend.
I dream of souls that are always free,
Like clouds that fly,
Full of humanity in the depths of the soul."

- Nella Fantasia / "In my imagination"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UjFnL8Fphs&feature=related

Happy 2011! Here I come.

Spent a good few hours with Moli sitting at SMU public benches to have a good review of the year 2010, checked our new year resolutions for 2010. Not too bad, at least more than 50% accomplished. Then of course charted out the resolutions for 2011. This year got pretty more structured (influenced by work), but I guess it's clearer and more practical. Instead of writing one whole long list of random things I wish to do/get/have.

Attended Thanksgiving Mass at Divine Mercy Church. First time there. =D
Not very impressed by the architecture and acoustics.
Only impressed by the rather friendly and welcoming community.
It's really quite a waste when churches are not designed properly.
just googled, architect is Philip Lee from Strategic Design International.
Found out that the original design had more arches and supposed to look more church-like.
I guess eventually because of budget or whatever, became boxes and rectangles in the end.

Well anyway, ended the night at Summer Breeze Cafe at Pasir Ris Beach.
Happening countdown and clubbing music played all night long.
Couldn't tahan the "noise". Went to sit at the breakwaters and waited for 12MN.
A special and first ever countdown at a beach.

Next year, I have decided.
Have a nice cooked meal at home.
Have a drink. Watch TV countdown show.
Stock up on poppers and sparklers.
Invite some close friends over.
And that's it.
No need to beat the traffic jams, jostling crowd, loud music, hang-over the next morning or what-nots.

God, thank you for everything in 2010.
For good times and in bad times, you were there for me.
For 2011, Holy Spirit take over. Let your will be done.

picked up a nice quote from Corrinne May's song a few days back...
never really hear & catch this part after listening to her songs so many times.
"Just stay on track,
'cause every cross can be a blessing
for the gifts that you've been given
close your eyes and listen
to who you're meant to be."

just spewing out...

don't know where to start

but shall just give it a try.

Almost coming to half a year

And I'm thankful for my work

the exposure

my colleagues

the long hours

and the early knock-offs.

No Monday blues for me

Coz site meeting at Jurong East.

Get to go home on time.

Just not sure how have I been faring

Need to steepen learning curve more

or just stay the way it is?

Guess i need some kind of feedback.

Train-rides...

People fight to get their seats, and so do I.

They whipped out their iPhone,

and I whipped out my Word Among Us.

I enjoy the read every morning to work

though sometimes sleepy.

It's scary how iPhone is colonising the world and our lives.

Will I really need to use iPhone to pacify my kids in future?

iPhone...Mac...the bitten apple...the Forbidden Fruit.

And truly, Macbook is so seductive.

Will I succumb to this "fruit" one of these days?

~ 1 month back...

Archdiocese Youth Day Facil Trg @ CAYC.

Session by Brian Butler.

The trg was not the usual ones.
No running through of programs.

Instead, it focuses on the inner conversion of hearts

of the facils...a very personal one-day retreat i feel.

The Mystery Trip video was inspiring to me.

Many times during praise & worship,

closed my eyes and sang.

Heard the resounding voices filling the hall,

felt like heaven on earth.

My heart was massaged very much with love,

a love that the world cannot give,

and I very much needed.

Realized that all my sins are rooted very much

from a lack of love being felt.

Went on straight away to CSC to attend Moli's

"graduation Mass" for the Conversion Retreat.

Listened to those tears-inducing testimonies.

That one day was just unexpected,

yet very fulfilling.

He likes to catch me by surprise. =)

Read the Theology of the Body for Him and Her.

Insights and revelations.

Man is a representation of Christ, who's always the Initiator.

Learnt to really take initiative and not complain/whine.

But after a while when the fuel run out,

need to remind myself again.

And again & again, we're taught...

to give till it hurts..

Coz it's "better to give than to receive".

Selfless giving than demands no rewards.

Sometimes yes...give and I feel blessed.

sometimes no...give and give..and feel drained.

and yea...hurt sometimes.

Perhaps it benefitted the others and I've done a good job.

So my rewards are in heaven.

My only consolation.

Relationships are so important.

Enjoyed meeting up with my archi friends

and just catching up with them.

Listened, joked, talked and discussed about life issues.

All within a span of one month!

Combi 1 - Juku, Stacy & Youjie. Happy for Stacy getting married!

Combi 2 - Olivia, Sarah, John and Zhiliang. Bday boys celebration.

Had a super therapeutic laugh over the 2hours plus dinner at Cedele.

And bumped into Ivan and MelDragon with other CSS Alumni. Hoho!

Combi 3 - Olivia, Kaixin and Peiyun. The Westees @ Jurong Coffeeshop.

Amazingly chatted till almost 10pm.

I guessed it's worthed the late nights on wkdays.

Human connections make me more human and alive.

Weddings...lost count how many I went.

Enjoyed those I attended for my JC Class..

amazed at how united we still are...

can chat non-stop...
all thanks to our class rep and Mrs Teo.

How will my "ideal wedding" be like?

Taking many mental notes and even did research online...

exciting but yet wary...

plan plan plan...then in the end don't materialise..

Christmas is coming...!

earnestly waiting to get myself a Xmas present

with my year end bonus...hopefully!

my long-awaited digital piano...

Wow...it's been almost 2months...

Hello blog,

Have many thoughts to "pen" down but just haven't got the "energy", time and drive to do it.

Shall do it really soon...before I forget.

Find it necessary to document my "milestone-thoughts" and "revelations".

So long..farewell!

PS: Yay...had fun changing blog layout and design. +)

hello blog...

Long time no see...

Been more than a month since I last blogged!

August really flew past.

Only remembered my memorable retreat at Montfort Centre

The Youth Olympics

And my record breaking working hours in Week 3...

3 consecutive days of working past 10pm and taking a cab back home

Down with flu in the end but managed to pull through without knocking on the doctor's door.

Had fulfilling and interesting weekends but somehow there's something inside me just screaming for a restful day of pure resting.

Took leave on 20th, a friday. Not rested at all.

Somehow, we urbanites don't even know how to rest anymore?

Many thoughts and couple of revelations...

don't know how to pen down.

But just grateful and thankful for His helping hand and healing grace.

Ministry work seemed to slowly get a bit haywire due to my lack of time dedicated.

4 months of employment and I've gained 1 kg by the 2nd month.

Hope it does not goes up exponentially.

Gaining weight is good for me. But I seriously need to work out a exercise regime.

Discipline!

Dilemmas

Judgement calls

Assumptions

Dissatisfaction

Comparison

Frustration

Resentment

Disappointments

Surprises

Affirmation

Faith.