My Lenten reflection/journey | 2013

(warning: It's going to be long)

Just wish to document my 40days of lenten journey as wholly as possible, in case one day I suffer from dementia. lol

Ash Wednesday - readings of the day has become the motto of my Lenten journey. =D

Joel 2:12-13 

"...come back to me with all your heart, fasting, weeping, mourning. Let your hearts be broken, not your garments torn, turn to the Lord your God again, for he is all tenderness and compassion, slow to anger, rich in graciousness and ready to relent."

Gospel Acclamation:

A pure heart create for me O God, and give me again the joy of your help.

1st Sun of Lent - Temptations of Jesus in desert

Temptations as part & parcel of Christian life, constant testing and trials -> Refiner's fire. For the 3 temptations Jesus experienced, I asked to practice the following:

- Practice Charity & kindness

- Practice temperance & modesty in our homes & workplaces

- Practice humility & patience to let the divine plan unfold in God's time

2nd Sun of Lent - The Transfiguration

Spiritual experiences (the coming down from the "mountain") sustains us in our discipleship. We need to go up to our "mountains"/seek our mountains (Sr Jess). And to also constantly remind ourselves of these mountaintop experiences - of God's loving presence in our lives (Br John). 

3rd Sun of Lent - The Fig Tree

God always gives a second chance. A second chance for us to bear fruit. We are called to examine our Christian lives, to contemplate our future with God & renew our commitment to reconcile our wounded relationship with God who loves us beyond measure. 

4th Sun of Lent - The Prodigal Son

Identifying myself with the 2 sons.

The prodigal :-

- God gave me His abundant blessings and graces but at times I "squandered" them away and taken them for granted. At times, thinking that I'm in control and can do without Him for a while, doing things my own way. Ended up wounded, despairing and spiritually dry (famine/hunger). But when I return to Him, he's all so loving and forgiving.

The elder son/bro:-

- Injustice and feeling sore while "slogging" to do His works and ploughing His fields while others just stand at the side to watch, comment or wait for harvest.

- Feeling unappreciated for the service/hardwork rendered to loved ones and friends. 

Yet, it is true that God was / is never unfair/stingy with His blessings and graces upon me. I'm just picking on the bones. 

5th Sun of Lent - The Adulterous Woman

All of us are struggling with sin. We are in a way all trapped (in our own "cages"). The Church is meant to enable us to choose the ultimate Good - which is God. "I'm an adult now, and I have the power to choose what is good for me, in thoughts, words and deeds" (Fr Richard Ambrose, penitential service). The more one does what is good, the freer one becomes. There is no true freedom except in the service of what is good and just. Amen.

Maundy Thursday

1st reading - The Passover

As I closed my eyes and listened to the words being proclaimed, I imagined myself being washed (splattered) in the Blood of the Lamb, all red. But I'm saved because of this great sacrifice, done out of love. As the responsorial psalm proclaims, "How can I repay the goodness of the Lord?"

The Institution of the Eucharist in John 13:1-15 - Body and Blood of Christ

As the priest shared, the meaning of the Eucharist is in the breaking and sharing. We, after receiving the body and blood of Christ, have become Christ (as He dwells in us) and are called to be broken and shared with others. To love another, to wash one another's feet. 

Good Friday

Watching the movie Passion of Christ for the second time gave me new insights/experiences. Nevertheless, big droplets of tears were shed during the various hallmark scenes. More interestingly, I was able to feel the pain of betrayal that Jesus felt (even though He knew/expected it) and also the shock experienced by Malchus when Jesus healed and restored his cut ears. It's beyond human imagination of the immensity of Christ's divine love for us, when we sinned against him, get hurt in the process, and yet he lovingly heals and restores. 

Easter Vigil/Easter Sunday

A different experience for me as this is the first time that I became a godparent of a 18-year old Indonesian boy. As last minute as it may be to be asked to be a godfather, I still managed to steal some time to try and get to know my godson better. So the first "test" for me was having to squeeze in a pew with 6 seated adults for 3-hours for the entire mass. This was because one of the godparents conveniently brought along her spouse to sit together. However uncomfortable and displeased I was, I choose to do the opposite and learn from Christ to give up of my pride and comfort. So I leaned forward for the entire mass so that the ones sitting beside me don't feel as squashed. But being human, I still can't help to want to make that "extra" person feel bad for landing me in that plight. More often than not, we said we want to rise to new life with Christ on this Easter. Yes, perhaps some parts of us, subconsciously or insignificantly. Coz we tend to look at our faults and failures more readily than our little triumphs. This time round, I felt that I'm still stuck at the "carrying cross and falling down" stage. The road to Calvary and the final crucifixion are still some distant away. The passion is still in the process. 

Soul of Christ, sanctify me.
Body of Christ, save me.
Blood of Christ, inebriate me.
Water from the side of Christ, wash me.
Passion of Christ, strengthen me.
O Good Jesus, hear me.
Within Thy wounds hide me.
Suffer me not to be separated from thee.
From the malignant enemy defend me.
In the hour of my death call me.
And bid me come unto Thee,
That with all Thy saints,
I may praise thee
Forever and ever.
Amen.

(Disclaimer: Some of the reflections are extracts from the Lent 2013 reflection booklet.) 

Time of the year again for...NY resolutions...

Last year 2012, scored a 67% (aka accomplished 6 out of 9 resolutions set)
And "bonuses" including the following:-
- Kick-started volunteering at the Gift of Love Home (though now dying off again..:S)
- started my counselling sessions at St Iggy
- started journeying at RCIY. 

2013...what lies ahead for me? 

Besides focusing and planning for wedding & marriage prep, what else should I / can I aspire to do?
-Learn to 包粽子from Mum
- My exercise regime of once a week - need to set a rhythm
- Wishing for my 1st NS reservist to be filled with blessings *fingers crossed*
- Yg Adults at SFA --> New programs, get new people
- Climb Mt Kinabalu!! (so far managed to find Alvin. Yay.)
- A few short weekend getaways. No long holidays. 
- Able to pull through / manage the construction of the NTU hostel 
- To fulfill some of the new initiatives which I hope can put in place in office. 
- Find a clearer discerned purpose ...to teach?...or to do missionary work?
- Find out more about what it's like to uproot & do missionary work. Talk to Willy & Sarah's cousin
- Discerning and finding clearer focus/direction in Yg Adults/choir/others
- my personal growth and development...to reach another milestone/cross another hurdle of my own personal struggles.

Ok..list quite long already. STOP. 

Post Confirmation Camp Reflection

My first full conf camp
Finally a "mission" that I've longed for have been accomplished
I've fought the good fight
Am truly touched, inspired and empowered by this camp
The experience, the friendships forged, communities formed,
relationship deepened and a renewal of relationship with Christ.
Drawn closer to Him
Touched by the Holy Spirit
Inspired and Enlightened by Wisdom
I was utterly unprepared
Going through the motions of spiritual preparation
He was so generous and He provided, abundantly.
His grace is sufficient.
Truly. And so undeserving I felt at times.
Prayed for a humble servant heart,
To be an instrument for Him during the camp.

Throughout the P&W sessions, I constantly felt a sense of heaviness and burden.
pressing on me and I felt so helpless but to keep praying and praying...for the confirmands.
I felt their brokenness, their pain, hurts, rejections, struggles, loneliness etc.
I wept with them.
These common tears shed truly helped us to open up to one another,
and most importantly to God.
We are all in this together.
Sinful and sorrowful at times,
Constantly seeking for healing and forgiveness.

I thank and praise God for this wonderful team of facils, p&w leaders and organising team.
Am so proud and heartened that we are able to run a Confirmation camp so successfully
For the first time, finally
After 5 years of labour and sowing.
Fr David (our founder), must really be smiling in heaven and like what Lillian shared on Friday, he has been praying for us. Thank you Fr.

And finally, my wish of really being on the ground to journey with the youths have been fulfilled too, esp through the 1-to-1 session.
And God, you are really funny.
You sent me all the really "tough cases" for me huh.
But thank you, if only you don't think so highly of me. =P
It is a challenge.
Sharing the burdens, the hurt, the brokenness by being a listening ear and a consoling heart = need a lot of strength, wisdom and prayer.

But really, this camp have given me a renewed strength to serve.
A stronger sense of mission, purpose and empowerment.
And I thank the confirmands for this experience.

I don't care whether it's just a moment of spiritual high,
but I'll just let it burn as strongly and as long as it can,
and inflame the rest along the way and let the fire go on.
Pass it on!

Now...looking forward to a wind-down / relaxing trip to Bali to further rejuvenate and recharge and be back to chiong till the end of the year!

Listen...with your heart.

It's a difficult week.
Physically...which affects the psycho-spiritual aspect of me..
Just wish I have more time and faster ability to solve the design issues at work.
Praying for more strength to pull through this month, most importantly not to fall sick.

Somehow during low periods, I was able to hear Him more clearly (at times) too.
And sometimes, what He has to say to me is so "in the face". Just wish to share a few key "insights"

...
Friday, I rushed down to RCIY from work, more than 45mins late, but thought I should make an effort to just be there. No regrets. Then went up to the Yg Adults where they were listening to Fr William Goh's talk on Mass. Something he said struck me, made quite an impression.

FWG advocates LISTENing to the word of God proclaimed at Mass, instead of following the text and reading them. The power of Listening, which many have lost the "skill". This is how the holy scriptures were preached last time and people listened. To listen, one has to internalise and interiorise, and..Focus. Many a times, we might be just Hearing. Are we good listeners or just mere hearers? Do we listen to ourselves, to God and to others? At Mass today, I tried to practise listening to the Word, close my eyes and listen. Though a bit tired and sleepy already, it does help a bit, to not look at the words, and just practised a bit of Ignatian contemplation, to picture the scenes and the dialogues. Certainly more reverent, meditative and peaceful.

I thank God for giving me the gift of listening (hopefully not just hearing), providing an avenue to unload for my friends. And I appreciate those who have bothered to ask, listened to me and allowed me a chance to share and unload too at times.

... 
Social Mission Conference 2012
Decided to sleep in and reached there during Tea Break. So needed that sleep.
But something happened to me the night before.
After church on Fri night, went home, bathed and was having my dinner in front of the TV, a bit worn out.
Halfway through my meal, a TV commerical of a programme which features a man (an Asian, Singaporean?) who uprooted and went to live with a improverish/needy community somewhere in Africa or something, and I think his family is staying there with him. Suddenly, I felt a gush of emotions and I couldn't helped but started to choke on my tears. What's up???...Perhaps I was touched by the compassionate act of that man, perhaps deep inside me, I really want to do something meaningful and what is needed out there. It's a call deep inside which I don't know what is it yet but I also know it's not a time to give up anything yet. Perhaps I can't let go and totally let God take control. But well, must meet the practical needs first I guess...Maslow Hierarchy of Needs...=P

So...going for this SMC meant a little something different after this brief emotional episode the night before.
To sum up and hopefully remind myself of what I take away from this conference:-
- Partnering the "poor" - empowering them instead of just giving.
- Social enterprise seemed to be the big word. For now, I'll just support them.
- Are we confident enough to receive? kind of like this phrase...we always think that we are better-off and only need to give.
- M.Teresa said, "God called us to be faithful, and not successful." And we must be faithful to our deepest calling in our hearts eventually. Perhaps when I meet my next "crisis", I might know what this deepest calling is.

There's so much we (I) can do to help, but.....
Like what Sr Geraldine jokingly shared with me, when are we not busy? there's no where in the corner of this Earth where we can be not busy...we are constantly in distress, and only sitting in front of the tabernacle can we only find ourselves at rest.

... 
Am reading the book on "Changes that Heal".
Haven't touched it for a few days coz too tired to read on the train.
So I flipped open I think 2 days ago. And just when I needed it, the message jumped out strongly at me.
We all need to be bonded, attached to somebody. We want to belong to.
The yearn for the bonding and attachment is the yearn of love. The need to be loved.
Perhaps why I've been feeling a bit "dried-up". Not even making enough effort to bond and attach with the ultimate Lover of all. I missed the Love we shared. And definitely thirsty for more human love, to be bonded to friends and loved ones which I should be to cultivate a more healthy being in me.
Shall make the extra effort and constant reminders..!

But for now...I think I need to replenish my sleep and energy first.
And start exercising again to pump my blood to my heart better. +D

Journeying with the youths...

Initially thought of as an easy-peasy task...
I mean, how hard can facilitating be?
But I was proven wrong.
Assigned to a group with pretty closed-up and quiet 15-yr-olds,
I was given a immense challenge to melt those ice-bergs
and make them speak to me.
(Context: Sec 3 catechism class - T3 Bible Timeline sessions)

Then there's the RCIY.
Excited and hopeful, to journey with the youths.
But then end up feeling apprehensive.
Perhaps giving myself too much unfound pressure and expectations.
Ought to let go.

So...I've decided to offer up special prayer intentions for these 2 group of youths.
Prayed the rosary, went for adoration in church and fasted (not the food type) for 1 week.
Learning to trust and depend on Him.
And ta-dah!...He answered my prayers!
And of course I also told myself to make an effort to prepare my facilitation well.
Today, my group just left me dumbfounded/speechless for a few moments.
They are really something......springs of living water waited to be tapped and to irrigate the dry lands.

Just wanna pen down 2 memorable replies to one of the questions I've posted to them:-
Q. If you get to meet Jesus face to face today/right now, what would you ask him?

One goes...
I'll ask Him..."how did you manage to pull through the '14 stations of the cross' on the way to Calvary?"

and another one goes...
"Am I doing enough (as a Christian)?"

....
...
wow....

I shall continue to fast and pray for them.
I last session with them this coming Sunday.
Hope it will leave further impressions on them.
I think I'm benefitting more from them, then them from me.

It's April...

Same old saying,

"Time flies".

Overdue Lent/Easter reflection

Overdue retreat sharing/postings

Proscrastination and Distractions

Feels a bit out of control

especially with recent chain of events

of joy and of sorrows

of laughter and of tears

with fleeting hearts at moments

and down with heartaches other times

Roller coaster ride indeed

with Jesus sitting by my side

I scream

I laugh

I cry

I lament

I give praise

I thank you

I want to embrace you

and seek refuge

Can I be in my cave?

Or must I be "dead" so that you can call out,

"Lazarus, come out of your cave!"

Why me?

Why not?

Must I?

It's your choice.

Can I not choose?

But that's the gift from God.

I can't wait to get to the end of this ride.

Will Patience do the trick?

Head spins

Mind entangles

Heart wrenches

Not again.

Taking a deep breath

the breath of life which God gives

reminding me of who I am again

A child of God

Who is being loved by Him

even when the world does not understand

Forgive me Lord

For I knew not what I'm doing

And you have redeemed me by your flesh and blood

I need to break through

I need to see beyond my suffering

So many hearts out there hungering for You

And we are your instrument.

Focused mind

Peace in the heart

Love through my words and actions

Uphill tasks

only made possible through prayers

and it shall be...

Hello 2012!

Grateful to have this chance to park myself in front of my laptop to do this entry.

So...what's my report card for 2011?

Managed to dig out my journal...

"Checked":

- Choice Retreat made a considerable turning point for me and hence allowed me to communicate better and show more patience and love to my parents, and beloved, M.

- Supposed to go personal retreat but ended up at Vocation Retreat. It was not in my plans, but still it was a great retreat which opened my heart to many things.

- Successfully stepped back from music ministry and also trained potential musician. So glad that Beatrice is now on her own and able to provide the necessary musical support.

- Finished up my Europe photo album. But now I've got one more to go, the WYD/Spain album.

- Yeah, went WYD and travelled Spain.

- Attended EE with Moli

- Bought my long awaited baby - Korg digital piano

- Also got myself a great 2nd hand compact camera, Lumix LX-5

- invested in a couple of good shoes

the "unchecked":

- Family trip to S.korea postponed again. Nvm, 2012 it's gg to happen!

- Failed to learn how to make rice dumplings from mum. Try again this May?

- Exercise once a week - only fulfilled for the past 1 month while training for my ippt.

- To journal at least once a week. Haiz...I think I only journal during retreat and adoration.

Still, I think I'm blessed with so many things despite some of the "loss" and suffering that I went through in 2011. It's been a great year of learning, humility, discernment, spiritual milestones, steep learning curve at work along with increment monetary reward. And having just passed the IPPT awhile ago, I'm thankful that God blessed me with a healthy and fit body.

Picked out a heartening quote from one of my 2011 blog:

"You will find more peace in a vocation if you have a confident sense that you sincerely explored both primary vocations and finally chose the one that you feel called to." - Brian Butler

So for 2012...

here's my "bucketlist" (you never know when God will call...)

- Exercise weekly!

- Looking forward to a transforming and healing experience at my personal retreat in Chiang Mai in March

- To realize my handover plans in the Young Adult Ministry

- To be able to work out my plans to form a one-off catechism children's choir to sing for 1st Holy Communion Mass and a one-off catechism youth choir to sing for Confirmation Mass. Challenging but kind of excites me.

- If the time is right, shall attend CER.

- Looking forward to a memorable family trip to S.Korea in April/May...Spring!

- At work, to pray for yet another exciting and interesting project after my JCube is completed. (hopefully not as taxing)

- Good-to-have trips...go Tibet with Justin and Ivan.

- Finally, to take that leap of faith to make that Life's Decision.

Side track...

Hymns that I wish to be sung at my funeral Mass:

- How Great Thou Art

- Song of Farewell by Ernest Sands

- Ave Verum Corpus by Mozart

- Prayer of St Francis

- You Are Mine

- Psalm 27 - The Lord is my light and salvation