a "me" day out...

chilling out..and quite literally chilling out at The Deck

one of the very rare rainy days

but still able to look out and look at the grey sea...

it's been just a week since my submission + presentation

and it felt like it's been a month...

so many things happened right after 15 June...

meeting up with friends, groups of friends,

helping sis get her laptop, running around...

was reading Paul Coelho's Witch of Portabello

and Athena said that it is the pause in music that creates rhythms

and the pause and spaces in writing that make sentences make sense.

So here I am now, trying to create this pause and space in my life,

to make some sense of it after all.

shall just focus on my thesis reflection for this post.

it all began in Sep 2008.

And it lasted till 4th May 2009.

Just when I thought all was over and I'm all ready for the Europe trip,

my thesis was extended another 6wks,

till 15 June 2009.

6 wks, as compared to what my fren has described to me,

in Germany and other countries,

people can do their Masters and extend for a couple of months,

or even a year.

This 6 wks is really nothing.

But it's definitely worthed more than anything i've gained so far.

Friendship and friends that I've always show not much concern,

or don't really know and appreciate how important it is.

And i'm truly blessed for this group of friends,

for their relentless help.

I'm on my way to writing a song

To dedicate it to them

And to let me not forget those treasured moments.

God wants me to be special

although people sees this as imperfection

for not being able to commence on the year I graduate

And then my fren said there're no commencement at all in Germany.

God wants the best for me

And can't bear to see me graduate with a half-hearted and substandard thesis

I seize this second chance

With the help of friends and tutors

I pushed myself to the limit

which I did not do so previously

I was guilty of not doing my best

for my heart was not there

And i just wanted to pass and graduate

and for my grad trip.

God wants me to wait

and continue to learn patience

and draw precious life lesson from this episode

that I can't always be a planning freak

expecting things to happen the way I want to

expecting people to behave the way I wish to

God wants me to humble myself

To call upon His name and draw strength

And to know that He is God, not me, Myself.

To lay down my pride and just learn to ask

And help will just gush in like water from a broken dam

God (probably) wants me to "pause".

For I did not join the rest in the rat race

of getting employed...

For I've discerned early this year to work part-time for the church

till early next year, then probably i'll be well rested and ready

to take on the next major phase of my life.

Work and career.

The thesis journey was sure agonizing

we probably need some kind of support group

to counsel and share problems among friends

And we did kind of unofficially did that.

I'm glad to be able to just sit and listen to friends

pour out their woes, and some even shed tears.

And i'm glad to have friends to listen to my woes too.

Grateful to have my other half being understanding

and not demanding too much attention and time for her.

Besides having stretched my design thinking and language

developed better critical thinking

and all else academic

I've suffered and yet gained a lot emotionally, spiritually

and physically.

This Masters Thesis is a culmination of rich experiences

and memories. Life-changing if I must say.

Not the sudden change, but a gradual subtle change

in my perspectives of life, behaviour and threshold for acceptance.

it's officially over...

6 weeks of initial agony, heartache and despair

that eventually turned into joy, gratefulness and blessings.

Many words to say

Many people to thank

And that one Person to give praise to.

Now still suffering from a bit of thesis hangover...

enjoyed not having something constantly haunting my mind...

enjoyed waking up not to the sound of my alarm clock for the past 2 days

Now my calendar starts to fill up day by day

with meet-ups and misc stuff...

not gg to pack my schedule....and plan like a freak...

just gonna enjoy each day as it comes...

Will take another few days before I post a proper reflection...

awesome friends who slogged for me over the one week.

and the PRODUCT!

one more add-on to the "gain" list

I wouldn't have written my 1st song if not for this tough period.
Thank God for the gift.
My first, "Almost". =)

short-term...

One thesis
One major upset to a grand plan
One great episode of my life
To cry or to smile

Never ceasing support and words of encouragement
given by friends (close and not close), tutors, acquaintance
and of course by Him, for He sent them to me
though often I felt so far away from Him
And questioning what have i done to deserve this?

Certainly, there're reasons and I thought it's gonna take like
donkey years before I appreciate what He's done to me.
Shall draw up a list and compare the gains and the loss...
and see for myself how much has been revealed to me in less than a month..

Gains:
- we would have been sweating and jostling in Europe duirng the hot travel peak season
- Now that September seems like a better time to visit Europe...best arrgt from Him to us?...lol
- I can plan an affordable short getaway right after submission...to Bali...
- Can catch St Paul the musical
- Able to be around to be with Fr Michal before he leaves for Aus...i wld have totally missed seeing him the last time when I'm supposed to come back on the 2nd Jul only...and I'll be devastated i guess.
- That Moli can be ard to see thru the tough time at her home....maid...and moving house...maybe i can help to move also...
- Eat rice dumplings!...
- managed to "fight" our way through and now given consent to travel as a couple...so long as we sleep in mixed dorm...or dun share room...lol
- Able to develop my thesis to its full potential...
- Just being around in singapore....coz it seemed like so many things are happening within a few wks...like my dad just fractured his wrist...in cast...take 2 months to recover...haiz.
- stronger faith, stronger love and greater trust for Him and between me and gorgeous...
- Able to attend T3 bible study with BLYM....
- hmm...now it seems like not going overseas is the best....hopefully Sep will be "quiet" back at home...

Loss:
- Monetary loss from cancellation of trip and not able to travel with Nik and Ray.
- Unable to visit Bad Iburg and Conny...
- Might have missed mooncake festival...in Sep
- Not able to Commence with my frens tis July...well...but i still have frens in the next batch...
- and many other nitty gritty petty things i guess....

So I guess it's obvious...
have I gained or lost?...

need to focus, stop procrastination, seek an answer...

There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
(although there are many reason for me not to also)
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe
(or rather am trying to keep that faith)

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see
(patience!!...and keeping my eyes and mind open
to receive that pleasant surprise...hopefully pleasant...lol)

*words not in (  ) extracted from
"Everything in its time" by Corrinne May

Moving on...

The worst has come
And now it's just to move on
Things will only get better
Believing and discerning His voice

Words just not enough to express
But only can say, "Life still goes on."
Some said the battle is not lost
And there's a reason for all these to happen

Still, I had a wonderful birthday.
Initially thought it will be quite "different"
since so many things had happened.
Thankful for the endless bday wishes i've received.
I think it's one of the most in my 26yrs.
Grateful for having friends that will travel all
the way down to ulu west to give me a surprise
at the doorstep, holding a cake and a bag full of presents.
And blessed to have a German fren,
so generous, understanding and fun-loving.
Heartened to have a gf who's willing to walk thru
this difficult time with me,
and who ate to her heart's content at a buffet spread.
Haha.

I often told myself these few days
My predicament is not as bad as I thought
I'm still very much loved, cared and blessed.
Throughout my 20years of education,
it has been rather smooth compared to many.
Now i'm just even this one small episode and
it should not bring me down.

I'm still on my way
Continuing to learn to walk with Him
day by day.

Preparing for the worse...i guess pretty prepared now...

Tmr is the day
Probably the day that will leave a deep mark in my life.
Be it good or bad outcome.
It's the turning point.
Or a huge checkpoint.
A time for me to learn, to appreciate,
and not take things for granted.

Sat's homily at Novena,
Fr said that if God gives us too much,
we might drift away from Him.
While watching drama on TV,
this heroine said, sometimes you planned so much
and so well but things might not turn out the way you want it.
And at Mass today,
Fr AJ said that nothing that he has accomplished thus far
was by his own efforts but is purely God's grace and gift.

Over these two days, friends encouraged me,
Moli gave me assurance and support,
and God has spoken to me many times
to tell me that he has not abandoned me.
Haha...to top it off...
i went for a jog just now in NTU,
weather was gorgeous and wanted to sweat it out
and purge out all my negative ions
that's building up in my body.
And i bumped into Fr Michal.
It's almost like God sending an angel to me..lol
Well, he was too fast...couldn't catch up with Him.
And within 10mins, he was out of sight.
And i was all alone again, making my way through the
cooling, shady and peaceful NTU campus.

Conversations in my mind did not subside
It just kept going on and on and on...
A battle of the voice of Satan and the voice of Truth

I might falter and hit a really bumpy road,
at a time when my bday is just one day away.
But i pray for strength, that i'll be able to pick myself up
and carry on.
That i may have the strength to face my family and friends.
And to face up to the situation.

What if it turns out well?
May i not take it for granted and really be grateful for His grace.
It's a test that for probably the first time
I've really feared
And at the same time hoping that I could go through it courageously.