Simbang Gabi at SMOTA

Yesterday night.

My first ever Simbang Gabi.

Want to record my experience before I forget.

Mass starts at 8pm.

Luckily I reached early at 7pm.

Church is already almost half filled.

By 8pm, Moses, Alicia, Nimmi and Greg were nicely

seated in church already.

And was entertained by 30mins of beautiful Carols.

Of which, they sung one of my fav...Gaudete.

More beautifully, the digital pipe organ was played

to accompany some of the Carols.

The organists even played some classical variations of

hymns to stall time while waiting for the celebrant to come,

stucked in a jam.

Mass began at around 8.30pm,

church filled soulful and heartfelt singing from the

community of Pinoys.

We were the super minority who came and kaypoh.

Gospel reading was on the genealogy of Jesus.

Matthew 1:1-17.

It is considered one of the most boring passage of the gospels

if one doesn't know the meaning behind this 17 verses.

And I was lucky, having been through the T3 Matthew.

As the names of the 14 generations before Christ

was proclaimed by Fr Camilus,

upon reaching the name Joseph, the husband of Mary,

for the 1st time,

I felt a gush of tears forming in my nose and eyes.

It dawned upon me the culmination of the longing,

the significance and meaning of the wait,

and finally 2011 years ago, the Son of God was born to us,

among us, and shall always be with us.

I felt overwhelmed, grateful and empathetic.

The people of Israel waited for the Messiah,

and finally He came.

The people of our times are waiting for the second coming of Christ,

and He shall come, at the hour which none will know.

But our role is to be ever ready to receive His glorious return.

And more emotional was when Fr Camilus stressed the importance

of remembering our past. Using our past hurts and failures as strength and comfort to help us get through our current difficulties and trials. 'Coz we've overcame in the past, and Christ is always with us to see us through all these.

It was an overall emotional & beautiful eucharistic celebration.

Truly, I thank You Lord.

And I thank You for your forgiveness and grace.

One more week to Christmas.

And I'll try my best to continue to make the little difference,

and reach out to my community at home, work, church and on the streets.

Sing You Home

A beautifully written novel

Half-fictional

Supposedly adopted from a real life story

Totally love the way Jodi Picoult unravels the plot

Interweaving Christian values with controversial social issues

IVF, homosexuality (lesbian)

Faithfulness, human weakness

Truth and real love.

And music!....how music plays an important role in healing...

which I can totally identify...

"...I sit down at my digital keyboard and I start playing.

I let the music bind me like a bandage.

I sew myself together note by note."

Got me so hooked that I completed the book in <3weeks?

Quite record-breaking to finish such a thick book in the midst of my busyness.

It's as good as me getting hooked on Korean drama last time.

What's next in line?

- "Muhammad" (bought at Qatar Airport)

- "A diamond in the desert" (bought at Qatar Airport)

- "To Save a Thousand Soul" - Fr Brett Brennan

and oops..

bought a book by Scott Hann on Amazon.com.

well well..shall see which is the lucky book I shall pick to read.

my loot from Vocation Retreat

Felt like an auntie with so many stuffs given/taken

at the camp. All F.O.C.

overdue World Youth Day reflection

(copy and paste from Faceboook)

just in case one day Facebook decided to close down.

2 weeks before leaving for Madrid, busy busy busy...the night before leaving, I had to stay in office past 12MN to clear my work. 4 weeks after coming back from Spain, busy busy all the way until last Friday, finally got a time to pen down my reflection, consolidate thoughts and flip through my spiritual journal.

1 month and 5 days since the end of World Youth Day.

BEFORE WYD - the preparation

A vivid reminder of my mission at the session by Jarvis on Evangelism

"“You will receive the power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, throughout Judea and Samaria and to the ends of the earth.” Acts 2:8

A verse that struck my heart (when I was feeling desolate then) during the Holy Hour Adoration on 7 June 2011

Psalm 51:17 “The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”

And a verse that pop up in my head after that...

Matthew 5:5 “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they shall inherit the earth.”

All reminding me to be humble and consoling me that it's ok to be going through periods of desolation/dryness/despair.

Went through a "mini-depression" week at work sometime in June or July, first occurence at work.

Organized the Vocation Trip for SFA Young Adults, visited a couple of religious orders.

Words by Br Nicholas struck me, "Why don't we give God a chance?"

Further sharing with Sr J and Br Nic affirmed me with the following,

“God will not shortchange us, whatever we choose, God just wants us to be happy and he wants the best for us.”

Went for Engaged Encounter with Moli in May. It was momentous.

As I shared with her my decision to "give God a chance" and my resolution to seek inner healing and to attend a vocation retreat.

And hence my hopes for WYD is one of discernment, yearning that God will speak to me or give me a sign or affirmation?

At the same time to improve my prayer life. Though I've been doing my regular morning devotions to read the daily readings and read the Word Among Us reflection, my relationship with Him doesn't feel to grow much deeper. Maybe it's too subtle?

Reflecting back, on the chain of events that has happened, prayer life and discernment come hand in hand. Good prayer life = better relationship with God = better discernment, able to listen to His still small voice better.

During the recollection, Fr Fred nailed this point down. God should be our first love. We should have a commitment to prayer. And we have to "show our love for God through words, deeds and thoughts.”

WORLD YOUTH DAY, Madrid (Spain)

Excited, tired for the 1st 2 days.

St Teresa of Avila. Felt ecstatic and inspired by the scenes of “Ecstasy of St Teresa” and the ecstatic conversation between St John of the Cross and St Teresa.

Someone said Majadahonda means “Valley of sheeps”. Doesn't that sound awesome and apt? We are sheeps living there for that one week and shepherded by this one Great Shepherd.

The Lord is my shepherd, there is nothing I shall want. =)

Scripture pill from Vocation Exhibition:

“Counting on the promise of God, Abraham did not doubt or disbelieve, but drew strength from faith and gave glory to God, fully convinced that whatever God promised he has the power to perform.” (Rm 4:20-21)

Have faith! A form of consolation and affirmation from Him? Mucho Gratias.

Was a tad disappointed with the lack of "spiritual experience". Kept comparing to my Asian Youth Day life-changing experience. Am not the super RA-RA type anymore, although I can be one if the occasion calls for it.

Was complaining and questioning what percentage of the youths who came actually takes their faith seriously?

My judging eyes sinned again by looking at how the youths cheered and behaved.

But it's inspiring to see those who does take their faith seriously.

Like the Czechs who was behind us during the Vigil Night.

Well, can't fault me for judging, we're supposed to show our love for God through words, actions and thoughts right?

Vigil Night was memorable.

The storm… trusting Jesus to calm the storm.

Truly a pilgrammage. Encountering God through inconvenience, discomfort, frustrations and threat of safety.

Sleeping & worshipping with a million other believers. Experience of a lifetime.

Doesn’t bother me tremendously not catching Pope with my own eyes.

Faith isn’t about seeing to believe.

To be able to hear and feel Pope’s presence is good enough.

Kneeling and worshipping together at the Eucharistic Adoration just after the storm was simply amazing.

Tear glands worked a bit.

At Closing Mass, one line from the Gospel reading actually struck me.

“You are the rock and upon you shall I build the foundation of my church upon.”

I just felt touched. Not immensely shaken or convinced that He's calling me to priesthood.

I just felt/thought that it could mean otherwise. Building a family is also like building "a small church" in a way. Isn't it? =P

Anyway, I enjoyed more of the "side-line events" that took place througout WYD.

Dinner conversation at La Pampa

Conversations over meals with host family and getting to know Vidy and Dilip better. Suits the host parent, who loves guest with multi-ethnic backgrounds. hah.

Scooting off with Joachim and bumping into the Mexican group outside Love and Life Center. Went to adoration chapel. (doing things in small groups/alone/free n easy)

Above it all, I think trip like this brought out the "best"/"better" in me and also the "worst" inside of me.

Keeps me reminded of my shortcomings and areas I need to work on.

And also good points about myself which I should practise it to my loved ones too, not just in groups.

Somehow my good points often only surface in a group and also find it so hard to practice it when it's with a loved one/family member.

Sharing this little written reflection on my journal, written on 17 Aug 11:

Life's a journey of both disappointment and pleasant surprises

It's not a bed of roses.

A Christian, A cross to bear.

It’s a matter of lifting your spirits up.

Learn to love like Jesus do

Learn to practice patience

Learn to take initiative to act on something

Learn to do things beyond your comfort zone

For the betterment of others.

POST WYD,

Went on to travel to other parts of Spain with Moli for another week.

Wasn't in my best state (emotionally and mentally).

Reminder/affirmation on 28 Aug (Sun Mass's gospel reading),

“Take up your cross and follow me.”

Truly, we (I) have to think beyond "self", and give till it hurts, ‘cause real love hurts.

the baby has finally arrived...

in God's time...

Thank you, God.

Never dreamt that one day I can really play songs I like without a full score.

If not for this gift, I wouldn't have thought of investing in this one big treasure.

May this accompany me for at least another good 5 years.

I want to thank my retired Casio keyboard, which has faithfully served me since around year 2000. Can't remember clearly. But I think at least 10 years.

And the "low G" key has never functioned well.

But I lived with it.

It is with this keyboard which I learnt Canon in D.

It is with this that I practised hard on my chords and improvisation.

It is with this that I composed my first song and the subsequent 3 other songs.

Oh my oh my...getting emotional now...

A good 10 years!...it has been through the high and lows of my life..

where I seek my music therapy late in the night when I'm stressed.

No sustain pedal, no touch sensitive keys, no realistic piano sound.

But simplicity does the magic too.

And the music is truly in the heart. Not solely on the sound you hear.

Welcome Korg SP250.

I'll slowly get to know you more and more.

yet to develop any feelings/relationship with you yet.

But you simply look gorgeous, feel sensational, and sound attractive.

Goodbye Casio TK-100.

I'm sure when I pass this on to my cousins in Melaka,

you will continue to serve them well,

and inspire them to pick up music.

A truly heartfelt thank you for journeying with me thus far.

extensive spring cleaning

had a rare chance of having a free Saturday to myself.

dunno wat's up my mind, instead of resting and lazing around,

i had the urge to spring clean my room.

And it took an unexpected 6.5hours from 11am to 5.30pm.

It wasn't an easy affair.

Learnt a lot in this 6.5hours.

A lot of decisions made to dispose things that i've kept so long.

Discerned their usefulness and relevance.

Weighed its sentimental value.

Many a times, have to stand back and take a birds' eye view.

When I knew that if I really want to create more space,

or to make the spring cleaning worthwhile,

I've got to let things go.

And to my surprise, I don't know how my little room and store so much things!

I've to make a total of 4 trips down to the ground floor to dispose my stuff.

Besides disposing, there's also the re-arranging

and trying to make more sense to the location of stuff,

and minimising dust collection.

Some stuff went into the store room,

which hopefully my mum won't complain tt's i'm taking up the space. hah.

The physical room felt more spacious and cleaner now.

And it does affect my being too.

Spring cleaning is very much like retreats and our life.

Review what you have/had done, and "remove" what you don't need

or shouldn't have kept (inside you).

I've got to clear some of the "old" and welcome the "new".

Now hoping to get a couple of bookshelves to store things in a neater way

and to hopefully get my long awaited digital piano.

Will make the room feel brand new. =D

a post for May before it ends..

Happy Belated Birthday to me!

28 yrs have passed. And I think I've been very blessed, beyond my imagination.

5months have almost passed in 2011 and that's....scary!

So many things yet to do and accomplish,

but better late than never.

Have been a fruitful and meaningful month for me especially last week.

Opened my minds/hearts/eyes to new things for both Moli and myself.

By talking things out, meeting/hearing/seeing people/things help us to

look into ourselves and see what needs to be done.

Now the only challenge is "time"...whether I'm able to do the things

I set out to do, to search and to listen in the "timeframe" that i've given myself.

Shall pray and have faith.

"You'll find more peace in a vocation if you have a confident sense that you sincerely explored both primary vocations and finally chose the one that you feel called to." - Brian Butler

Easter Triduum Reflection

40 days in the "desert"...

Abstained from beef, crab and high cholesterol food such as laksa.

Have been successful with the first two but failed for the last.

Abstained from several temptations...I would say at least 60% successful.

Felt much better in self-control now.

Began my morning devotion at work...really liked it.

And even bought a new handy bible to accompany the WAU reflections.

Scripture reading and reflection can really do wonders.

Shall try to continue to keep this routine.

Passed my ippt during this period after some arduous training.

Had to wake up early to go for an early run.

Again, morning runs seemed to have some magical feel to it.

Shall try to keep this up - at least once a week.

Holy Thursday

Reached work before 8am.

Got myself quickly settled down and began the scriptural readings.

It was on Jesus washing the disciples feet. For some strange reasons, the WAU reflection penetrated my heart and I uncontrollably teared. (in office!!unimaginable..luckily no one around yet)

"..rather than spend these final few hours focusing on his own life, he went out of his way to show his disciples how deeply he loved them...words can be forgotten all too easily. So he chose a prophetic gesture that would make a deep impression on them...an act that would be forever etched in the disciples' memories as proof of his love..."

Indeed, again..Holy Thurs and Good Fri are not solely on weeping for the suffering of Jesus or our own sins...it's really a poignant reminder of how much God loved us. The love that no one can give.

5.45pm. Dashed out of office.

Reached Good Shepherd Cathedral to attend the Mass. Church filling up very fast. Managed to secure a good seat. The cathedral choir sang for the Mass! While they rehearse the hymns as I pray and prepare myself, I was again touched and felt the love that he has showered upon me all these while. Was choked with impending tears while singing the entrance hymn...Glory in the Cross.

7.50pm. Mass ended. Rushed to Tanglin Club for my office team dinner. Boss's treat to reward our team's architects hard work so far and also farewell to 2 colleagues. One going to study for one year, one moving on to another firm. A very filling, fine-dining style 3 course meal. Light-hearted meal with much laughter.

10.30pm. Waited 20mins & couldn't called a cab. Took bus to CCK and cabbed to SFA. 11.30pm. Reached SFA. The final prayer group just ended. Great. Alas there would be silence for the last 30mins in front of the Altar of Repose. Just want to spend some time with him.

12MN. Went for "last supper" with some of my Young Adults at Macs. Fellowship.

2AM. Slept.

(my gosh...why am I writing all these details down?...oh well...who cares, I just wanna document down this moments...in case one day I got dementia or something. lol)

Good Friday

Tried to clear some church work in the morning...

Decided to attend 3pm service at SMOTA. Dropped parents off at SFA first.

Then rushed to SMOTA...my gosh...so packed that me and my sis have to sit outside under a tentage! Was hot initally, then as "prophesised", it rained halfway through the service.

Good thing is I get to go back for a nap first.

8pm to 11pm. Rehearsal in church for Easter Vigil.

Home sweet home. Today not too emotional.

Holy Saturday

Dragged myself outta bed and went to take part in the Cenacle Sisters morning prayer at the chapel. It was a good...with chanting of the lamentations. Nimmi and Lilian were there too. Yay. Then managed to go for a quick swim and getting a good dose of vitamin D which I'm quite deprived of.

Then subsequently, from 3pm onwards...it's music music all the way till Vigil.

This time our choir reached another milestone again to push our musicality to another level.

And the double bass!!...simply made our day.

Easter Sunday

The Easter Sequence..something which I always practised very hard for.

Prayed for the Holy Spirit to guide my singing...and yes..His guiding hand (or voice) was with me as I proclaimed and sing the Sequence.

Our music and singing were much appreciated and affirmed by many.

It was good to bring them this much joy.

Happy feasting and fellowshipping over sumptuous dim sum lunch at Pioneer Wharf Restnt.

Eventful 4 days which totally spin me out of my "working mode"...

now have to spin myself back. Seems like a lot of "doing" then being more reflective and meditative...but still...I shall rmb the Easter message and all that i've learnt and gained over the 40 days to bring it to work and practise them!

Have I risen to New Life with Him?

Shall write back in a few weeks time.

Blessed Easter.

better...

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for your amazing healing powers.

I felt so much better today, with the help of a short devotion at my work desk this morning.

Was able to maintain my cool, felt more at peace with my counterpart.

Perhaps today's work not as demanding/taxing.

Still, thank you.

I continue to pray to maintain and better this condition.

Perhaps my friends are praying for me as well. =)

Good night.

Yours,

Mike.

PS: Thank you St Michael toO!

why is it so hard?...

Dear Jesus,

I'm so frustrated and disheartened...

I just want to quickly let if off somewhere and thought of writing here...

it's been almost a week since i write to you on my diary.

Just when I thought my lenten resolution has been going well so far,

at least up till this evening.

Been able to reach work earlier and do a short devotion before the start of the hustle & bustle.

Enjoyed praying for friends on the intention list I have.

As I prayed those intentions, it helps remind me of what I need to do as well.

Patience...alongside with love.

Very challenging.

And the snapping point just came this evening so sudden,

that I couldn't handle it in time.

And I fell.

Quick and hard.

Swallowed up by angst and resentment.

Mind and soul in turmoil and un-peace.

Came back and straight away head out to run,

in order to stick to my training plan to pass IPPT.

Managed to clear my head a bit while running.

But doesn't seemed to solve everything.

I felt defeated and I just gave in to temptations.

Tried so hard to image Christ and draw close to Him,

and one slip, I lose grip of His hands again.

I know I will and should pick myself up again,

and by His grace, I'll move on and overcome another hurdle that awaits me again...

I know I'll hit another wall again, or trip.

The holier I want to be, the more the evil will want to deal with me.

St Michael, my patron saint, please give me a stronger armour.

And yes, why am i so frustrated?

I just feel injustice when someone is making things difficult for other people,

trying to solve problems or make things perfect at the expense of other people's welfare.

I feel the agony and suffering of slaves in Egypt 2000 years ago.

It's totally not a good feeling to be slave-driven.

And I feel sad for the person who is also slave-driving himself.

We work hard to the best of our ability, but not over-work and compromise your family life, your health and others' life too.

I can't reconcile with all these.

Jesus, please guide me in my thoughts and enlighten me.

thank you for hearing me out.

I love you and I miss you.

Yearning for your comforting touch and embrace once again.

Yours,

Mike.

thought of the night...

shortcoming is dissimilar to bad habit...

"In my imagination"...

"In my imagination I see a just world,
Everyone lives in peace and in honesty there.
I dream of souls that are always free,
Like the clouds that fly,
Full of humanity in the depths of the soul.

In my imagination I see a bright world,
Even the night is less dark there.
I dream of souls that are always free,
Like clouds that fly.

In my imagination there exists a warm wind,
That breathes on the cities, like a friend.
I dream of souls that are always free,
Like clouds that fly,
Full of humanity in the depths of the soul."

- Nella Fantasia / "In my imagination"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UjFnL8Fphs&feature=related

Happy 2011! Here I come.

Spent a good few hours with Moli sitting at SMU public benches to have a good review of the year 2010, checked our new year resolutions for 2010. Not too bad, at least more than 50% accomplished. Then of course charted out the resolutions for 2011. This year got pretty more structured (influenced by work), but I guess it's clearer and more practical. Instead of writing one whole long list of random things I wish to do/get/have.

Attended Thanksgiving Mass at Divine Mercy Church. First time there. =D
Not very impressed by the architecture and acoustics.
Only impressed by the rather friendly and welcoming community.
It's really quite a waste when churches are not designed properly.
just googled, architect is Philip Lee from Strategic Design International.
Found out that the original design had more arches and supposed to look more church-like.
I guess eventually because of budget or whatever, became boxes and rectangles in the end.

Well anyway, ended the night at Summer Breeze Cafe at Pasir Ris Beach.
Happening countdown and clubbing music played all night long.
Couldn't tahan the "noise". Went to sit at the breakwaters and waited for 12MN.
A special and first ever countdown at a beach.

Next year, I have decided.
Have a nice cooked meal at home.
Have a drink. Watch TV countdown show.
Stock up on poppers and sparklers.
Invite some close friends over.
And that's it.
No need to beat the traffic jams, jostling crowd, loud music, hang-over the next morning or what-nots.

God, thank you for everything in 2010.
For good times and in bad times, you were there for me.
For 2011, Holy Spirit take over. Let your will be done.

picked up a nice quote from Corrinne May's song a few days back...
never really hear & catch this part after listening to her songs so many times.
"Just stay on track,
'cause every cross can be a blessing
for the gifts that you've been given
close your eyes and listen
to who you're meant to be."